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I sat there, thinking where I had gone wrong. Three years of togetherness, dreams coming true, and the ‘perfect picture,’ now seemed like falling apart. Maybe, it was nothing serious. Maybe, it was completely normal. Maybe, I was just overreacting. Maybe, what I was considering the Armageddon was nothing but a false alarm. But things surely were different earlier. Things surely have changed. And who knows, they’ll change a lot more than what they have by now. Clueless, I sat, with my eyeballs transfixed at the road in front of me and the people passing by, but the picture that stood clear on the screen of my vision consisted of something else— a road, wide and perfect, with its uniformity, and shine, and the shade imparted by the elderly trees that stood sideways with a little bend in the back. It ran endlessly, or so it seemed. But— what’s life without a ‘but’— but then, things changed. The perfect road that had run all its life in unison, parted into two— two ways, running parallel to each other, as if walking hand-in-hand, but never melting in each other’s arms for a hug. Something that kept them apart— maybe, the distance between them. And I see that distance creeping in between us too, now; between him and me.
Maybe I am expecting a lot from him. Maybe he needs his space. But that wasn’t the case before, when we weren’t in two different colleges, when we went to the same school, when it was just the both of us and no one else. We had made promises to each other— that we’d be there for each other, that we wouldn’t need anyone else, that we’d be the only ones for ourselves, each other’s besties, soulmates, lovers, everything; we’d be each other’s worlds. And maybe, that’s why it hurts more— watching him party with his new friends, celebrate college events, go to week long college trips. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, why I’m not happy for him, why I end up reacting like this. For god’s sake, this is what I’ve always wanted, what I’ve always hoped for, what I’ve always prayed for— his happiness.  And now when he’s happy, I’m not. Maybe, because I assumed that his happiness was dependent on me. Turns out, it isn’t; but then, I don’t own him. He has his own life. He has a right to live it how he wants, with whomsoever he wants. But it hurts not being a part of his happiness, not being a witness to his laughter, not being the reason behind his smile.
I guess I’m hurt coz on my part, I’m putting in every possible thing, and I’m expecting the same in return. On my part, I’m still the girlfriend he had in school. He is the only guy I really feel like talking to; it’s not like I can’t, but I don’t really want to. I don’t take part on any college events, coz I know they’ll take up my time— time that I want to spend with him. I’m always on the run, coz I don’t want to keep him waiting even for a minute. I don’t celebrate any ‘mismatch day’ or ‘traditional day’ or plenty of other such days at college. Not because I don’t like to, but I don’t want to celebrate without him. Forget picnics, I even avoid curriculum study visits to places, coz once upon a time, I’d promised myself I would never watch places without him. Maybe, our concepts of commitment are far too different. Maybe, we both are correct in our own dissimilar ways. Maybe, he does care in his own different way. Maybe, it’s not possible for him to commit to me the way I am to him. Maybe, he wants to but he can’t. Or then maybe, I’m totally wrong about it. I’m holding him too close to myself. So close, that he’ll end up suffocating someday. Maybe, distance too brings people closer sometimes.
But I don’t want to change. I can’t change the way I am, the way I love him, the way I pursue my life. The only thing I know and I believe in is that he is the only one I have always held on to, and that will not change. He’s the only one I can hold on to, in this messed up world of mine. And letting go of him would be the end of the world for me. Am I expecting a lot? Why is it so difficult? Don’t I sacrifice things for him? And I never regret doing that, for in return I get something invaluable— beautiful moments with him, and that’s more than enough for me. Why can’t that be the case with him too? I want him to be the reason behind my happiness. I want him to be the only one for me. And I want him to look at me in the same way. Is loving someone endlessly and getting that in return, not enough? Is that too much to ask for?