We Need To Talk

Since decades, every country is striving to outdo all others in the race to craft the deadliest weapon ever— the ultimate big stick, that would cause destruction so huge that it would become impossible to find not only the victim’s body, but also a minuscule piece of it, and pieces of world peace would be scattered all over the surface of the Earth. In spite of the hovering danger, the only people who cared about peace, were my chicken loving friends and beautiful girls (If beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and if the beholder is as open-minded as me, every girl is beautiful, right?) who love fashion. (Oops! Correction: ‘piece,’ not peace; leg-peace and one-peace sound ridiculous, don’t they?)
During the Second World War, the United States (with its Manhattan project, that wasn’t based in Manhattan) outclassed the Nazis in the inception of the atomic bomb— the deadliest weapon of that decade. (Note: Deadliest weapon of that decade, and not the deadliest weapon ever, because even though North Korea doesn’t believe in the international restrictions on the use of nuclear arms, amateur writers like me, do.) So now that the nuclear weapons had been (apparently) pushed out of the race, the international community, nationally, started looking for something new and deadlier— something that could cause mass annihilation but in absolute disguise. And that’s where our hero enters.
About 30 years ago, a top-notch and not well-renowned scientist, and more importantly a resident of the United States, Dr Ship, found the answer to this universal problem. The genius, Dr Relation Ship, was working on a new moon night in his petite and useless laboratory alone (see, even that’s scarier than Bipasha Basu’s Alone) when his girlfriend called up and said something over the receiver that left Relation Ship devastated and pushed the world into abyss. Dr Ship never uttered a word thereafter. Three years later, Dr Up, Ship’s arch-rival, looked into the telecom company’s archives (corruption and nepotism exist in the States too, ostensibly) and stumbled upon Dr Ship’s girlfriend’s four words that went on to change the course of human existence— ‘We Need To Talk.’
Jokes apart, relationships are becoming stagnant nowadays. They’re so predictable that you can put them all in one flowchart: a flowchart that starts with the guy and the girl tending to like each other (guy and other guy(s)/ girl and other girl(s)/ any other kinky stuff you might prefer.) Shaky questions about each other, coffee, getting to know about each other’s music tastes, more coffee, running errands for each other, much more coffee, first lunch/dinner, and oh, before having the tenth cup of coffee together, they realize they’re in love! The next part of the flowchart is the process box: they ask each other out, then they make out, they somehow end up in each other’s bed and no one has to say the four letter word. Ever!
Well, like roads are bound to have speed breakers, (or potholes, if the road is in India,) relationships are bound to face problems. That’s how life is. But the minute people sense a problem coming into view, they get alarmed. Now here’s the twist in the plot: instead of a process box, wherein you can suitably analyse, and craft a solution for the problem, people use a decision box: that they need to talk. The path is definitely right, but people tend to lose their way in due course of time. When you say you need to talk, you should put forth your problem and try to find a way to resolve it rather than using it as reason to cut lose all ties. Yes, that’s the end of the flowchart: The Talk! In today’s world, we already talk so less thanks to our hectic ways of life, that ‘a talk’ becomes mandatory. We just have to understand that we need a talk and not the talk. (And we also need to understand the difference between a talk and the talk. Grammar, I tell you!)
In case you’re still wondering, the four letter word I was talking about, is Love. (No it doesn’t start with an F. And yes, I know what you were thinking!) I reckon saying Jokes apart was a bad idea, since jokes are a part of this essay (however pathetic they are!) And if you’re thinking about what Dr Up ended up doing, he used those four words to successfully conclude the mission of crafting the deadliest weapon ever. He notified Mr President and devised a master plan to devastate communism. Hundreds of girls were taught the four golden words and sent across the world to accomplish the mission. They were even taught how to say “We Need To Talk” in Korean. Its “ 당신이 바로, 날 믿어 해달라고? 당신은 얼간이 있습니다 .” However, things didn’t go as planned and instead of destroying communism, they ended up destroying relationships, and Dr Up’s evil plan worked. If you still haven’t got Dr Up’s first name: A) You’re a complete idiot, and B) It’s Break. Yes, you got it right: Dr Break Up. And oh, if you were really reading all this with interest and are wondering why Dr Relation Ship had to be a resident of the United States, ask that to all those filmmakers who make films about aliens for whom, attacking the US is more important than visiting the Earth. So now it’s up to you to decide whose side you’re on: Dr Ship’s or Dr Up’s.
PS: All those who actually looked up in Google Translate to check if that was really Korean for “We need to talk,” you’re not just smartasses, but legendary. LEGEN-wait for it-DARY!