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I was devastated. Not even in my wildest dreams had I imagined this happening. It’s not like that I haven't ever gone through hardships or adversities, but this raised the bar altogether. I pulled my knees close to my chest and buried down my face in my jeans. I was facing a severe identity crisis. I no more know who I am, what I’ve achieved in this oblivious existence of mine. I could feel my tears seeping through my jeans on to my legs. That does take lots of tears I guess, but I was helpless. My world was falling apart.
My cell beeped. ‘1 New Voice Message from Rhea,’ it reminded me. Yeah, of course! I tried to overlook it, trying hard not to care anymore, but minutes later I realized I couldn’t. And that is the problem. I care. I care for everyone who never gives a darn about me. I clicked the message open. ‘Hey girl, I’m really sorry for what happened today. I didn’t want things to go like this. And believe me, it was just an impromptu plan. And I really didn’t mean any of the things I said. I was just so frustrated! You know how mom is. She just blows my calm off at times, and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m sorry babe. And no matter what, we’ll be BFFs forever. I’ll give you a call again. See ya!’
Sure! Throw the worst verbal rebuke I’ve ever hear in my entire life, on my face, and then throw a ‘genuine’ apology with the same intensity back on my face again. As if nothing had happened. That 3 best friends of mine planned a road trip for the weekend, and didn’t even care to tell me, that informing me about it wasn’t an important thing for them, that my best friend since childhood, called me a self-centred, narcissistic bitch just ‘coz I wasn’t allowed to go for road trips and was shocked to find out that my friends had planned one without me, wasn’t such a big deal. Yeah, I am sure it wasn’t for them.
The first and the only person I shared this with, was Nikhil. And his reaction was more than enough to make me want no more reactions. ‘They have the right to do whatever they want to. You can’t just go on expecting people to cancel their plans for you,’ was his sagacious wisdom. He may be right. But I’m not him. I haven’t had hundreds of friends, making lots of friends in every walk of life, and letting them go when I made new ones. That’s not me. Not even remotely. I had just three of them, but I’d known them since kindergarten and had never let go of them. For me, friendships are something you preserve all your life. And they’re as important as relationships are. Maybe, even more important. What surprizes me was that how little he knows me.
I wish they understood me. I wasn’t pissed of them at ‘coz they were going. I was pissed of ‘coz they didn’t even care to tell me. I knew my parents would never agree to this, so I would’ve never got angry or hurt thanks to their plan. In fact I would’ve, readily helped them with the shopping and packing. But I wish they’d informed me. I wish they hadn’t lied to me. It’s strange how people change. Once upon a time, Rhea had been to a party where she got so drunk that she couldn’t even stand upright, and she'll never know what I’d done to get her through her parents, how I’d bunked school to be with her when she was having a hangover the next day. I’d saved her ass on so many occasions and now I was just a liability to her. 'We'll be BFFs forever;' forever is too big a promise to throw around. When you don't have a 'now,' how will you have a 'forever?'
Now the night has fallen, and I think that it has all happened for the good. Since morning, I have cried every passing moment. My eyes have hardly been dry. But I realize that in my heart, I am still a little kid. I can’t adapt to the changes around me. I can’t handle shocks. I am not practical. I want everything to be as it has always been and that’s not possible. I should actually thank my friends for making me realize the truth— that everyone have their own lives, their own ambitions, their own dreams, their own priorities. I can’t just force my expectations on everyone. I’m starting to doubt if I even had friends ever. I guess all I had were a couple of pacts of conveniences.
People do not change after all, I guess. They just stop behaving the way you them expect them to...